Posted By:
Booker (205.229.142.218)
Date: Friday October 01 [04:46:01 PM]
Overall, its been a good week for the MaximaMafia. The past seven days have seen the successful conclusion of “Shing World Tour 99”, drawing in record crowds in three cities, and they’ve moved one step closer to recovering their fearless leader; Andi. Having issued a thorough schlocking to the Jambytes in the first event of The Manly Games, the MaxMafia is feeling rather cocky.
The first event of The Manly Games was played out in lovely Costa Mesa, California. Several members of the MaximaMafia have decided to extend their stay in SoCal into a mini-vacation. Its now a week later, and the celebration has not yet ceased.
The group has managed to convince Woodear to pony up enough dough to rent a limousine for a few days. Its now prime time Friday and the Mafia has hit the boulevard, in full effect – Sunset Strip, Hollywood, California. Having been picked up by the driver at the crack of dawn, the first order of business for the MaximaMafia was to get rid of him. In true MaxMafia style, Maximamike clubbed him over the head with a 33 inch Louisville Slugger and dumped him on the side of the road somewhere near Anaheim. ST has put on the drivers black jacket, cap and gloves and has assumed the driving responsibilities. The rest of the MaximaMafia is piled into the back of the shiny tuxedo black stretched Lincoln Town Car, and the champagne is flowing.
Its been a good day, thus far they’ve had breakfast at the Hard Rock, where Jason F managed to get his picture taken with Jean Claude Van Dam, visited the Hollywood Bowl, walked the “Walk of Fame” in front of the Chinese Theater, had massages, and now have a dinner reservation at the swank “Trios Paul” on Rodeo Drive. Yes, this is the life.
BryanH (sipping a glass of bubbly that Woodear just poured him) : “Man, is this awesome or what?”
Biomax: “No doubt. The way that we got over on those idiot Jambytes is too much! HA!”
SchoLar: “How much extra weight was that midget wearing, anyways?”
Shing: “Twenty pounds I think.”
Chad: “Shing, that idea was pure genius. Did you get a look at how hard they were trying to throw that weighted down shrimp! HA!”
(Chad picks up a fanny pack sitting on the seat next to him and starts laboring to throw it. He is now imitating Russell’s final throw attempt - he gets an incredibly strained look on his face)
“HHHHRRRMMMPHHH!!”
(Chad throws the fanny pack all of 15 inches, and imitates Adam from Stillen being the offical. He jumps down onto the floor of the limo and pretend-measures the distance to the fanny pack)
“Nineteen three.”
(Chad is really hamming it up now, acting like Russell and stomping around in disbelief. The rest of the Mafia is howling in laughter).
“How come they can throw so much farther? I don’t get it? I hate getting my @$$ kicked by those guys.”
(The inside of the limo is in hysterics).
“It hurts soooo much.”
Woodear: “Yeh, that’s definitely the best two hundred bucks I’ve ever spent.” (Referring to the bribe money paid to Adam and Moe) “Shing, how’d you know they’d go for it?”
Shing: “Oh I knew. You ever see the money that Adam charges for a pair of wiper blades – I knew he’d be an easy sell.”
“HAAAA!!!”
(The limo comes to a red light and halts at the stop line while the MaximaMafia is enjoying a good laugh. Suddenly, MaximaLuva’s attention is drawn. He begins staring intently to the front, through the windshield of the car).
MaximaLuva: “Say, look there – in the cross walk. Isn’t that Eben crossing the street?”
(The rest of the group’s attention is now also to the front of the vehicle)
Biomax: “You know, I think…..IT IS! I’d know that ugly mug anyplace!”
Woodear: Man, oh man – the gods must be smiling on me today!”
The soundproof security glass separating the driver from the passenger compartment is up. Fiddling around with the stereo controls, ST has not yet noticed Eben. Woodear presses the intercom button, which allows ST to hear him.
Woodear: “Hey ST! That’s that useless Eben right there! Run his scrawny hide over!!”
ST looks up and sees the unsuspecting Eben. Eben is now in the crosswalk directly in front of the hulking Lincoln, a mere twelve feet away. ST takes his right foot off of the brake pedal and MASHES the accelerator completely to the floor. The fuel injectors immediately do their thing, the big Ford V8 roars, and the rear tires spin as the Town Car bolts ahead. The racket coming from the engine has caught Eben’s attention. Eben wheels around just in time to see the big black car closing in on him - fast. Five feet away now. The limo is coming much too fast for Eben to move out of the way. Instead, he does a deep knee bend and springs skyward, straight up. Tires squealing and engine whaling, the limousine hits the spot just vacated by Eden and passes directly through.
Maximamike: “HA!! Did you see that??? I guess Booker was wrong about that guy – he CAN jump! HAAA!!”
JasonF: “HOLY COW! That was great! Man, I haven’t seen anything jump like that since I used to case the cat with my mom’s vacuum cleaner!”
SchoLar: “Yup, there’s our proof – white men CAN jump! HA! What a dumb @$$!”
Sensing the need for toast, Woodear has grabbed another bottle of champagne – this one a 63 Dom Perignon – and begins fumbling with the foil around the cork.
BryanH : “Hey Mike, its kind of stuffy in here (pointing to the moon roof switch) open that up.”
Maximamike hits the button and the electric motor hums as the glass roof slides back. Woodear has now worked the foil free and is busy on the cork. He points the bottle out the now open moon roof, and crams his thumbs beneath the cork, it flys off with a *pop*.
Following the flight of the cork out the open moon roof – Woodear’s eyes suddenly lock with those of Eben. Laying on the roof of the limo, Eben is peering into the cabin – eyeballing Woodear.
Woodear: “What the….? Who….? How in the….?”
Chad (trying to figure out what Woodear is saying): “Huh?”
Initially startled, Woodear has now regained his composure and begins screaming at the roof of the car.
Woodear: “You son-of-a-$%*#! I’ve put down a fifteen hundred dollar deposit on this car! If you scratch this paint job…..I’ll kill you!”
The rest of the group has now caught onto what’s happening and is staring up at Eben’s face.
Maximamike: “You guys never learn, do you?! You’d better get off of this car, before I come out there and THROW you off!!”
Eben: “Just relax fellas. I’ve come bearing gifts – I’ve got a little something here that’ll add a bang to your party.”
With that Eben tosses something into the car through the roof & disappears. He has thrown in a small box, about the size of a coffee mug, wrapped in plain brown paper bag. It lands on the seat right next to Bryan H. He picks it up and begins inspecting the package.
SchoLar: “That guy’s a $%&@! We need to take him out.”
Jason F: “I agree – I’ve had it with his attitude.”
Shing : “I thought that I’d finished the job when I lit his sorry butt up – I guess he just needs another lesson.”
Bryan H is still looking intently at the package. He holds it up to his left ear.
Bryan H: “ssshhhhhhh!”
Listening closely to the package, he makes a startling discovery.
Bryan H: “ITS TICKING!!!!”
Bryan H tosses the package, it lands on the floor at Chad’s feet. Woodear begins stabbing at the intercom switch.
Woodear (shouting into his arm rest): “ST – stop the car!! Stop the car!!!”
Suddenly, the box stops ticking.
Shing: “TOO LATE!!”
MaximaLuva dives onto the package, covering it with his abdomen. In an impressive show of heroism, he’s prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice for his fellow MaximaMafia members.
Then,….another sound begins emanating from the box.
*beep-beep* *beep-beep* *beep-beep*
Biomax: “What the….? Gimme that.”
Biomax grabs the box and begins tearing it open, revealing its contents - a wrist watch.
Biomax: “What the hell? A Garfield watch!?”
Woodear: “That piece of trash!” (again presses the intercom button) “ST – go out there and take care of this practical joker.”
ST, who has taken to carrying a .38 everywhere that he goes, nods. He opens his door hops out and begins making a circle around the car.
SchoLar: “This wasn’t funny – those guys are gonna pay!”
MaximaMike: “Eben’s goose is as good as cooked the second that ST finds him. That guys got the most trigger happy finger I’ve ever seen.”
His circle of the car complete, ST hops back behind the wheel. He presses the intercom and barks out a single word.
ST: “Nothin”
With that, he drops the car into gear and takes off.
Shing: “Well, lets all just try to relax and forget about it.”
Bryan H: “Shing’s right.” (checks his watch) “Besides, we’ve got dinner reservations at Trios Paul in less than thirty minutes.”
Fifteen minutes later, Bryan H realizes that they are heading AWAY from downtown LA and their pending date at Trios Paul. The limo appears to have made a wrong turn and rather than heading towards the city lights, is quickly speeding into the Southern California desert.
Bryan H (reaches across and hits the intercom button): “Hey ST – where are you going? We’ve got a dinner reservation in 10 minutes and they’ll cancel if we’re late. Hey!”
The MaximaMafia is staring at the back of ST’s head, when they hear the distinctive *clunk* of the electric door locks, locking them inside the car. Eben then turns around and flashes a toothy grin through the safety glass. Wearing ST’s jacket, gloves and hat – he’s already taken the big Lincoln up the 80 and is showing no signs of slowing down.
MaximaLuva: “Why you dirty $%#hole!! What the $%&* do you think you’re doing?!”
Chad: “Yeh, you piece of ^%$#*, stop this car – RIGHT NOW!”
Eben turns around a second time, and presses the speaker button.
Eben: “You want this car stopped? You got it!”
With that, Eben then takes both feet and leg presses the brake pedal with all of his strength. All four on the town car lock up as the massive vehicle goes into a screeching 80 miles per hour skid! The members of the MaximaMafia are tossed to the front of the cabin and are helplessly piling up at the front wall – directly behind Eben. Eben is laughing hysterically. Having scrubbed off about 50 miles per hour, the car is still sliding down the road. Suddenly, Eben lets off the brakes and MASHES the accelerator. In an instant the direction of gravitational force inside the car reverses. The MaximaMafia’s forward tumble halts and they all go flying to the back of the cabin, landing in a heap as the limo rapidly gains speed. Eben is absolutely WAILING in laughter – loving having all of the mafia at his mercy.
At 60 MPH, Eben again stabs the brakes and the process repeats. The MaximaMafia sail to the front of the limo, landing against the sound proof pane of glass with a series of thuds. The mafia crew is now sporting several cuts, bangs and bruises. Eben is doubling over in laughter the entire time.
This time Eben stays on the brakes, the limo is sliding sideways down the deserted desert highway on four locked up tires. White smoke from the burning Firestones has completely engulfed the limousine, the MaximaMafia members cannot even see out the heavily tinted glass. Some 200 feet later, the limo slides to a stop.
While the mafia members are busy gathering themselves, they hear a door open and then slam shut. Then foot steps. Its clear that Eben is no longer in the car. The scramble to their feet and pile out of the limo. The road is sporting four thick black skid marks which are still smoking. Eben is nowhere in sight. Directly ahead of the limo, along the side of the road is something that is completely covered by a sheet. The crew approach the object more closely. It appears to be a chair. Upon inspecting the sheet more carefully, Shing notices that it is labeled.
:PROPERTY OF THE LAZY-8 MOTEL, WHITE PLAINS, NY : NOT TO BE REMOVED:
Suddenly, they hear the sound of an engine igniting. The MaxMafia look up just in time to see Eben emerge from behind a billboard approximately 100 feet away. Eben is now mounted on top of a Kawasaki Ninja ZX-11. He twists the throttle, the front wheel comes off the ground, and in a matter of seconds he is merely a dot on the horizon. The crew turns there attention back to the sheet covered chair.
Jason F yanks the sheet off of the chair, revealing a man - tied to the chair. There is a piece of paper on his lap. He is bound hand and foot, has a strip of duct tape across his mouth, and a baseball sized welt on the side of his head. Woodear reaches down and yanks the tape off.
Woodear: “Who are you?”
Man (barely able to speak): “S…St…Steele. My name iiiis….Lance Steele.”
With that, the man passes out. Maximamike grabs the paper off of his lap, flips it over and reads it out loud.
Maximamike: “Consider your stinking proof, delivered.”
SchoLar: “What the heck is that supposed to mean??? Who IS this guy?”
Woodear: “I don’t know – but we’d better get him to a hospital.”
** ** ** ***
Signed by - theBooker, Master of the dramatic; creator/author/editor-in-cheif of the hit series, "As the BBS Turns". Shing's homie. Maximamike's nemisis. A loving husband. A dedicated father. Worshipped by men, adored by women. Sculpted biceps. An educated midwesterner, moved to Cali in 1989. Determined to run Eben off of the net for good. Secretly favoring the Jambytes. Often seen driving a 96 Pebble Beige 5-spd SE.
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